Sorry About The Goldfish

I’d like to begin with a simple apology...

I’m sorry about the goldfish.

I know it was your daughter’s favorite. And I understand that, from your perspective, there was no reason for it to be anywhere near the office microwave. In my defense, I didn’t think it would fit, which is why I only tried it for a second!

That was my first mistake...

My second mistake was not realizing that the “Popcorn” button would default to three minutes...

Which is apparently far too long for both popcorn and goldfish. Though for... different reasons...

Again, I’m sorry.

To be clear! I did not intend to microwave the goldfish.

I was attempting to warm its water slightly.

You mentioned in passing, that tropical fish prefer warmer environments! And while I now understand that goldfish are not tropical... I felt at the time that a mild temperature adjustment might improve its mood.

It had been looking at me. In a way, I can ONLY describe as judgmental.

In hindsight... placing the entire bowl in the microwave may have been an overcorrection.

But if we’re being honest? The bowl didn’t shatter until after I pressed start, which suggests the bowl itself shares some responsibility...

That said! I accept my part in what happened.

I also apologize for the smoke alarm...

I didn’t realize the alarm was connected directly to the fire department. And... I certainly didn’t anticipate that they would arrive with such... urgency.

Their reaction felt disproportionate at the time! Though- I suppose they rarely encounter microwaved aquariums during a routine call...

What I regret most... is the confusion that followed?

When the firefighters asked what was burning, I panicked and said “fish,” which, given the circumstances, was technically accurate, but apparently triggered a series of additional responses, including hazmat protocols and a brief but intense discussion about illegal imports...

To clarify: the goldfish was not illegal. You are safe on that one!

At least, not originally...

Things became more complicated when Animal Control arrived.

I realize now that shouting; “It was an accident!” while holding a cracked glass bowl and what remained of the fish did not help my case.

Nor did my attempt to demonstrate the microwave settings, which resulted in a second, unrelated fire involving a bagel...

I would also like to apologize for the bagel...

And the breakroom...

And, if necessary, I will also give my apologies reguarding the adjacent conference room.

At this point, I understand that the incident escalated beyond what anyone would consider reasonable workplace behavior.

However, I would like to point out that the sprinkler system activated before I had a chance to fully explain the situation. Which led to widespread water damage that, while unfortunate, did successfully extinguish the bagel.

But the office computers are now out of service. That was on the sprinklers though! To be fair! That wasnt me. But I will be adult enough to say sorry for that too... In case a sorry is needed...

So, there is that...

I regret that your daughter witnessed part of this!

I did not realize it was; “Bring Your Child to Work Day,” and I certainly didn’t expect my actions to become, as she later described, “the most exciting thing ever.”

While I appreciate her enthusiasm... I recognize that this is not the kind of memory one hopes to create in a professional environment.

Please let her know: I’m sorry.

Also, please let her know that goldfish cannot, in fact, be revived with “just a little more heat,” despite what I may have said in the moment.

That was speculation.

In conclusion, I take full responsibility for the goldfish, the microwave, the smoke alarm, the fire department, the bagel, the sprinkler system, and the temporary evacuation of three floors...

I also accept responsibility for the memo that will likely follow.

However, I would like it noted, purely for the record, that none of this would have happened if the goldfish had not been looking at me like that.

Still, I am sorry.

Especially about the goldfish...

- Carl