Sorry About That

Dear Jamie,

I want to apologize for my recent behaviour and some things that got away from me. Please bear with me while I try to make amends. You obviously had no idea that I was going to write this letter to you. In fact, I don't know if you'll be able to handle everything I have to say! I hope that you'll be able to sit down as you read this email.

To begin, I'm sincerely sorry about the lasagna. You asked me to house sit for you while you were away, and I take full responsibility for my actions, but first I want to clarify my reasoning behind making a lasagna, why it sounds worse than it is. Then after explaining that, I will have to give another explanation of other things I did, and with it all connected, I apologize again for the way this whole situation will seem to you.

I did not intend to cook. I planned to watch your streaming service, relax on your couch, and have my 2 protein bars after I made the decision to invite Marcus over (just for some company). I like Marcus, I consider him to be a great guy, it is important that I let you know that much of what happened over last evening is not his fault; however, the decision to invite him over was not a smart one.

Marcus said— and I want to be fair to him — that he had heard a rumour about you having a pasta roller in your pantry. I told him it was absurd for him to think you had a pasta roller since you had never mentioned it to me, or that I would be searching through your pantry while you were out of town looking for specialty cooking appliances. After finding the pasta roller it was not so much that I received permission to take it, but more like a calling to use it!

I want to pause here and note that everything up to this point is entirely understandable.

The choice to make lasagna came naturally. The pasta roller was available, and the week before Marcus had seen a video on fresh pasta that he couldn't stop bringing up. There was also ricotta waiting for us in the fridge and it seemed like a sign to me. I consulted Biscuit (I know he's a dog, and his consent isn’t very meaningful; however, he seemed to be excited, and that was a good sign).

I must honestly admit the first lasagna was perfect and I truly wish you could have taken a bite of it. The second lasagna, however, was another story! We added many new ingredients in this dish and I won’t bore you with all of them; however, I will add that at this point, Marcus's cousin, Delphine, had arrived. I should mention that up until her arrival, I had never met Delphine. When she arrived, she brought with her a bottle of wine & a very strong opinion of what constitutes a “bold flavour profile!” I must be clear regarding Delphine's attendance: I did not invite Delphine; Marcus did not invite Delphine; & according to Delphine, she was "in the neighbourhood!" Just for reference, you live approximately 40 minutes away from Delphine's apartment (which is a little bit geographically bold). I am not reviewing Delphine's commute with you!

The smoke is mostly gone. The window thing: there may have been a struggle to open it. Just know that the window currently functions at about seventy percent capacity, which is actually higher than it sounds and I've already looked up the replacement part.

Biscuit is doing great; he had an amazing experience and had a small measured serving of ricotta cheese, and is likely the only one to leave this story with his dignity intact; when I saw him today and he was in very high spirits.

I also want to note—this is important to mention beforehand so that you can see your credit card bill—I used my credit card to pay for groceries, except for the second grocery delivery – I charged that to your house card because of my phone dying and not being able to find my wallet due to some confusion at the time regarding Delphine's friend Trevor, who showed up around 9pm (uninvited). Trevor is a very big guy and made himself comfortable in your house as soon as he got there and used your nice teapot to make a cup of tea. I did what I could to defuse the issue diplomatically.

The teapot is fine.

The lid is nearby.

I know where it is.

What I'm attempting to express, Jamie, is that I’m very dedicated to house-sitting, and at times, there are expenses associated with house sitting that are beyond any budget. The lasagna was great, and the company was unexpected. By morning, the smell of smoke was gone. In addition, Biscuit has learned he has a bigger family than he thought.

If you could please let me know when you get home? I would like to give you an explanation of the lasagna pan before you get a hold of it and will also explain the window too, plus, I have one more thing I haven't been able to say yet, but when you're here they will all make sense and you'll think it's really funny.

With love and approximately seven layers of regret,

Your Best Friend,

Peter

P.S. Delphine says hi and that you have excellent taste in olive oil. She's not wrong.