The Inner Shadow

The sounds of so many different tones and pitches, all coming from different directions and all from the one big room. I’m definitely not used to this. Stood around a high table, I take a sip of my coffee, it’s disgusting but I drink it anyway.

The different chatters continue. I engage, somewhat. They all look so fully immersed in conversation and they actually seem to be enjoying it. I on the other hand feel so lost, out of my element but I go along with it.

Stop it! What? Stop doing that! Doing what? Dimming your light! But it’s all I know!

There they go again with the back and forth. The subconscious and conscious minds trying to reason with each other.

My developing new conscious is doing her best to unlearn old habits, patterns and behaviour deeply rooted in my subconscious.

So what was all that back and forth about you ask? In a nutshell suppressing a part of me that I tend not to reveal. It’s the shadow side of me.

A part of me, I don’t have full confidence showing. See, I hear them, I hear what they say. I even understand what they’re saying and why they’re saying it. For that that reason, I choose to only somewhat engage because fully engaging, would have me step out of my comfort zone.

Truly engaging would mean I’d have to give some insight, an opinion, fully conversing. I’m not doing that, I was told to shut up for most of my life, so of course that is all I know.

But how will they know how intelligent you are, how quick witted you are, what a great communicator you are? I know but……..You really need to stop doing that. Yes, I’m working on it.

No lie, I am working on it. Letting go however, of what runs up to 95% of my mental activity on autopilot, really is no quick fix. After all, the subconscious mind forms core programming which influences behaviour, reactions and even physical health.

Situations like these, I gravitate towards dumbing myself down. I do this to fit in, avoid attention and make others feel more comfortable. I’ve been doing this for as long as I can remember. It’s something that can happen when it stems from an early learning environment. I developed and mastered this, burying my intellect in order to stay safe in this crazy big world we live in.

At this point in my life, my core programming is being decoded. I am slowly but surely understanding what drives my behaviour and reactions. Listening to messengers, like triggers and my nervous system. These are but a few, in order to bring to life and to the fore, my intellect.

My shadow, no longer to be hidden for it’s part of the light that shines within.

Written by Charmaine